To my darling boys,
I’ve always questioned if a small age gap was the right decision, always wondered if the timing was quite right. I love you both dearly, but I always wondered if I had spread myself too thinly too quickly. I guess I’ve always felt a little guilty, because becoming a mother of two children comes with its own challenges. I felt guilty for no longer having as much time for you Bear and also felt guilty for not being able to spend so much time focused on you Monkey as I had done your brother. Yes, it’s always been something I have questioned at the back of my mind… until today.
Today began like any other, I scheduled my social media and then got your shoes on ready for the day’s adventure. I decided to take you both to soft play, it isn’t something I usually brave on my own because I usually have to go in with you both to help you over the bigger obstacles and it can be quite difficult keeping track of both of you in the maze that is soft play. But today I decided to brave it and give it a try.
I let you both run in together, while I bought a cup of coffee and sat on one of the bright foam benches outside of the brightly coloured germ pit. I watched you both climb up some bright purple foam slope and disappear into the tangles of the soft play web. Anxiety started to set in, what if you got lost or scared on your own? What if Monkey is still too small to be running around in the germ pit on his own? I took out my phone to keep me distracted and when I looked up I could see you both.
I felt my eyes stinging a little, because I saw the most perfect moments unfolding. Monkey was hesitant to cross a clear section of flooring on the top most level, so Bear, you took his hand and together you took it step by step, with you encouraging him all the way. At the other end there was an obstacle a little too big for Monkey to climb over, so Bear, you jumped over it and helped pull him across. Then you both reached the top of the slide, sat down, counted and then both whizzed down it together.
For the past two years I’ve been wondering if I’ve disadvantaged you in some way by having two children close together. I’ve wondered if you’ve missed out on time with me, that you both would have had if I had waited just a little longer and had a slightly bigger age gap. But today I realised that I’ve given you the best gift I could have. I’ve given you both a sibling, a best friend and someone to always hold your hand, even when I can’t. So boys, please always remember that. You will need each other in this crazy world, don’t let anything sever that bond you have. It’s so very special, so unique and it makes me so very proud of you both, so please, always treasure it.
I love you both always,