I don’t know about you, but bonding with my baby just wasn’t something I worried about when I was pregnant with Bear. I don’t think it even crossed my mind when I was pregnant if I’m completely honest. I guess, I just assumed I would get that surge of overwhelming love the moment I saw him, like everybody told me I would and that was that. Only, that isn’t what actually happened when he arrived. In fact it took months for that overwhelming and consuming love to wash over me.
My labour with Bear was difficult and then he didn’t feed properly, got poorly and we ended up back in hospital. That first week of being a mum was incredibly difficult and stressful, so at first I didn’t realise that I hadn’t had that overwhelming surge of love.
Don’t get me wrong I loved my new little bundle, I adored him and I knew I would do everything in my power to protect him, but that overwhelming love everyone kept telling me about just wasn’t there. I felt broken. I felt like I was going to make the world’s worst mum because I just couldn’t love this gorgeous, helpless little baby like I was supposed to. Like the films, books and other people told me I should.
I tried a lot of different things to bond with my baby, baby massage was particularly helpful for me. I would lay on the sofa and just cuddle Bear for hours. I would take him on walks and tell him about the world. I would sit with him and read countless books for hours on end and I would lay on the floor with him and play with his toys. While all of those things helped me feel a connection to him and helped me bond with him, that overwhelming love still didn’t come.
It really began to upset me and made me feel like a terrible mother. I couldn’t stand being away Bear, because I had this feeling that if I did he would develop this amazing connection with someone else and I would always be some detached mother. It was heartbreaking.
But then one day, when Bear was about six or seven months old, he was sat on the floor playing with his toys. It was really sunny and the sun shone through the living room window, lighting up his face and making his hair look golden. I was sat on our old leather sofa, just watching him playing. He had just began sitting up by himself and I remember thinking how wonderful it was that he had gained that little bit of independence, when suddenly this amazing and overwhelming feeling of love for this little baby washed over me. I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him close, but instead I sat and smiled, taking in the moment. Bear looked up from his toys and smiled at me and in that moment everything was perfect.
Did you instantly feel that overwhelming love for your baby or did it take you time to feel that? Let me know in the comments, on Twitter, Instagram, or on Facebook. You can also follow me on Pinterest.