If I’m honest, writing about miscarriage pains me. I think of all the moments I’ll never get to share with the babies I never got to know. I sit and I question myself. Was it something I ate, drank, did. Perhaps I shouldn’t have carried the hoover up the stairs that day, or perhaps it was the tea, did I drink one or two cups that day? I wonder what they would have looked like, would they have been tanned, with dark features like me or would they have been fair like their Dad? I wonder how their laugh would of sounded, if their smile would have lit up a room, if they would have loved building with bricks or sitting and reading a book quietly. I think about the stories we could have shared and the adventures we could have gone on together. But then I realise, had I known those babies, I would never have known the children I have now.
If I had had those babies, I would never have known that Bear has eyes so dark and inquisitive, that when he looks at you, you know that is trying to figure out what is beneath the surface. I would never had known that when he smiles, his whole face glows and radiates joy. I would never have known that he is so caring and kind. I would never have known that he has such a way about him, that if he holds you close he will always be there for you. If I had had those babies, I would never have known that Bear is so independent and stubborn. If I had had those babies, my life would have taken a different route and I would have never have known my son.
If I had had those babies, I would never have known that Monkey doesn’t have dark hair like me or red hair like his Dad, but instead has the most beautiful blonde colour. I would never have known that his character is so joyous that when he smiles he lights up a room. I would never have known that he sleeps horizontally or that he loves being outside. If I had had those babies, I would never have known that despite Monkey being so outgoing, confident and charismatic, he likes to be close to me because it makes him feel safe. If I had had those babies, I would never have known my son.
Miscarriage is such an awful thing to go through. I couldn’t bare the pain of knowing that I wanted my body to hold onto those babies with every fibre of my being, but being powerless in being able to do so. Miscarriage was a storm I never wanted to weather and miscarriage is the heartbreak I will never fully recover from. But even though going through miscarriage is one of the most painful experiences I have ever lived through and despite it bringing so many dark days, I wouldn’t change them. I wouldn’t alter them. Because without those storms, I would never have seen the rainbow that comes after them. I would never have met my children and the pain of those miscarriages, will never compare to the pain I feel at the idea of having never met my children. My loves. My joys. My rainbows.